Ask yourself: what is your longest battle, the thing you’ve been fighting against for what feels like forever? Everyone has something, whether it’s battling your weight, smoking, drinking, can’t hold down a job, can’t maintain a long-term committed relationship, can’t make enough money to live comfortably, can’t change those old habitual patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that lead to this constant, never-ending battle.
Mine is fundamentally fear. I can’t break out of my comfort zone to change my life because I’m blocked by fear. Every time I run back to my comfort zone or stay in my comfort zone, I always have a legitimate excuse, yet months later I look at my life and realize I’m in the same place I’ve always been. Nothing has really changed.
Don Juan said, “We talk to ourselves incessantly about our world. In fact we maintain our world with our internal talk. And whenever we finish talking to ourselves about ourselves and our world, the world is always as it should be. We renew it, we rekindle it with life, we uphold it with our internal talk. Not only that, but we also choose our paths as we talk to ourselves. Thus we repeat the same choices over and over until the day we die, because we keep on repeating the same internal talk over and over until the day we die. A warrior is aware of this and strives to stop his internal talk.”
What is it that you want to change?
My issue is fear of vulnerability. I keep thinking I’ve overcome it, but the truth is, I haven’t changed at all. I’m still terrified of being vulnerable. I mask it behind toughness, pseudo-independence, and “I don’t give a rat’s ass,” but the truth is, my toughness is just an outer wall to protect the terrified being within; I’m alone when I don’t really want to be; and I do feel and care deeply, but I can’t express it in an authentic way that allows it to be received. By the time I get around to sharing my feelings and asking for things, it’s like a damn breaking open, rushing forth, and it doesn’t give other people the room to breathe.
The only thing I can really say about all this is that I’m determined to finally change. I’m determined to battle my fear… and allow myself to be vulnerable. I hope you will receive me well. It means a lot to me.