A Warrior Waits for an Omen

warrior-angelWhen I say I live as a warrior, I mean I live by the principals that don Juan Matus taught to Carlos Castaneda about living as an impeccable warrior — a spiritual warrior.

Some things have been troubling me deeply as of late.  And I kept asking, “What does Spirit want me to learn?”  I knew that I couldn’t control the outcome — because for a warrior, all outcomes are equal, an opportunity for “stalking,” which means hunting and storing power — personal power.  This is the way of a spiritual warrior.

But I was not receiving an answer to my question.  I kept reminding myself of don Juan’s words, “A warrior waits and she knows what she is waiting for.”

I was waiting for a sign, an omen, an answer to my question.  It finally came.  The “secret” revealed to me was that I live in an almost-constant state of fear, but I’ve developed such “effective” coping mechanisms that I’m not even aware of the fact that probably at least 80% of the decisions I make all day are based in fear and avoiding “pain” or the things I’m afraid of.

Recently I had written in my journal, “Do I really have power or am I just kidding myself?”

As I sought evidence for one or the other, I reminded myself that I have been fully self-employed, doing what I love and following my heart for the past 3 years.  Since moving to a new home in January, I’ve taken on an additional $325 monthly rent expense, yet am still fully self-employed, doing what I love.  That requires “power”.  How could it be that someone so full of fear could have the courage to do something that most people are too afraid to do?

Don Juan said that everyone has power for something, and for me, my desire to be self-employed and follow my heart was so intense and passionate — I have what Napoleon Hill calls “a burning desire” — it gave me the faith and courage to “walk on water.”

That felt encouraging because if I can face my fears in one area of my life, I know I can face my fears in other areas of my life.

So I have received the answer to my question.  What Spirit wants me to learn is to confront my fears.